I know! The title must have shaken you… hehe…I was privileged to write this piece with Bolaji Gelax 😍

Sometimes my head can have a whole conversation that never really gets to the mouth; but lately I have been thinking about how when we (women) are in love, our brain takes a break and suddenly all we think about is the fact that we love him, how he makes us laugh and all that giddy stuff. We so much lose ourselves that it only takes little effort before we get dickmatized.

Eva met Thomas. He was everything she wanted in a man – tall, dark and handsome. From the frequent phone calls to the drop offs, pickups and the lovely random text messages, think of any romantic thing, Thomas was it! She trusted him with everything and they had even started having sex. They had gotten to the stage where she trusts him enough for them to be having casual conversations about marriage.

In just a few weeks, Eva couldn’t stopped raving to her friends about finding “the one”. When she finally told her mother about him, she wanted to know more about this man like how old he was, where he worked, where he lived, who his people were and if she (Eva) had met them, etc.

Unfortunately, Eva had no answer to any of these questions. Instead, she got super defensive, snapped, and accused her mother of not being happy for her.

The next day when Thomas came to pick her up for work, she decided to ask him some of the questions her mum had asked; but before Thomas could respond, his phone {which was in the glove compartment} started ringing. Instinctively, Eva opened it to retrieve the ringing phone only to see “wifey” calling.

With an expression between shock and confusion, she turned to the driver’s seat and asked, “Who’s wifey?” in a shaky voice barely above a whisper.

Thomas suddenly seemed more focused on the road, but his demeanor confirmed Eva’s worst nightmare.

“Thomas, who the hell is wifey?” She cried. This time, her voice, coveying an undeniable anger and betrayal, reverberated in the car.

“Baibe… baibe, I can explain”, he stuttered.

Eva was so broken and devastated. She regretted why she never thought about any of these things before now even though the signs had been splattered everywhere.

See how now we need to engage the brain at inception? Sometimes, the vagina is so excited it can’t wait for the brain to process the situation and then we end up breaking the heart. While sometimes, it is the heart feeling things and it doesn’t give the brain enough time before conniving with the vagina and then disaster happens… hahaha you know what I mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it is bad to fall in love or even have sex for that matter; what I am saying is that there is a reason the brain is at the top, the heart in the middle and the vagina right down where it is. You are to think first, feel and then do, in that order. You are not to think with your vagina nor feel with your brain.

Each of these body parts has a function and we need to allow them function normally.

But hey, if we always follow the order of the brain to the heart, to the vagina, where then is the place for spontaneity, right? Where’s the place for just letting one’s hair down and living one’s best life or living in the moment?

After all, you are a woman in the alte kids generation. The fearless generation that breaks every rule and does the impossible. Why then should you be so guarded that you’re too afraid of letting your coochie be pounded, heart broken and head twisted because you chose to think with your vagina instead of your brain? It makes absolutely no sense now!

What makes the generation X and millennial people think they can tell you how to live your life, who to love, how to or not to love? Telling you how to live your life under the pretext of advice is definitely them taking away your freedom to decide for yourself. Are your brain, heart and vagina not yours?

Your body, your rule! Right?

Why then should anybody tell you not to do what you so wish with your body even if that thoughtless decision might ruin your self-esteem, self-image, how you relate with others and eventually mess with your mental health?

They can choose to continue living their life guarded and following rules that do not necessarily guarantee anything, but please, can they also allow you think with your vagina, shut down the warnings from your brain and give your heart the permission to lead you wherever.

Rules are constricting and boring!

And you are a bird who loves to fly freely.

Your life, your rules! Innit?

PS: Just so we’re clear, please, make sure to remind yourself and other Evas out there not to come running back to mama after the saga with your Thomases.


Today I went to pick up my kids where they had spent the day and a lovely lady said hi to me and then she said; “you have bounced back quite fast!” I got so curious and so I decided to ask her what she meant. Then she said to me that I have come out of mourning so fast and now I even dress nicely…I stared at her and smiled.😀

I imagined what life would be if we all walked around wearing our hearts/ emotions on our sleeves😀🤣😪😭😡🤬🤪…that would be quite disastrous, wouldn’t it? But also she got me thinking; is there a time frame for a woman to mourn her husband? Should she keep the whole world updated every time she thinks or remembers him and she breaks down?

I guess the world has set so many standards and expectations of how we should act when certain things happen to us. Unfortunately for my case, only those who really know who I am are able to gauge “how fast I’m moving on”…wow….I’m still in awe. Am I supposed to go to work in bark cloth to affirm that I am still mourning the death of my husband? There’s also the judgement around; “Why is she even being like that yet they were already apart”…

What people seem to forget is that after burial, the rest of the world moves on; they continue with their lives as if someone clicked the “next” button. And then you are left to start dealing with the pain at an individual level. For some reason, everything that reminds you of this person becomes super evident; or at least you’re very aware of it.

I wonder what moving on even looks like! It is more scary to move on especially when it is even still hard to accept that he is gone. I keep hoping that it’s all a prolonged prank that is about to end and then he will come back and say “it was just a joke.” Then I will be relived knowing that I do not have to raise these beautiful children on my own, that they will still have someone to call “daddy”.

As my babies and I adjust to our new normal; I have come to learn that the world will always have it’s opinions; dear child, handle your pain at your pace; whether fast or slow and I pray that God’s grace will be sufficient enough for you to accept that your loved one is no more and also that you may experience healing…total healing.


Lying there on the bed wondering how the comma happened and who was responsible and where the world is at currently, I turned to my left and there he is…Duran; standing by my side and saying welcome back baibe, we missed you.

A rush of anger runs through my body and I start shaking; so many things I want to do in this moment but I am too weak to even lift a finger. What is he doing here? who allowed him in? why is he still calling me baibe? I have multiple questions, many of which I prefer to ask him while in a police interrogation room so I can turn in into my little torture chamber just like in the movies.😈😈😈

I have so much to tell him but gauging on the people around me, no one seems to have an issue with him, let alone the fact that he is by my side! I am aggravated, I want to jump up and strangle him. I hate him, I hate what he said to me, I hate how he ended things, goodness I hate his girl friend; never even met her🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️…wow!

The weirdest part about it all is even in this current emotional state, there’s a part of me that still loves him and could possibly take him back in a whim! Now that’s dumb of me, isn’t it? There is still that stupid part of me that still wants to be carried and kissed, called and checked on regularly, loved without reservation, the conversations we used to have, the whole romance joy ride💃💃.

But then the brilliant and wise side of me also comes in and starts making me weigh the pros and cons of having him as my boyfriend. Since you’re very aware of the pros, let me get into the cons; he drinks way too much he could get a PHD for it, he puts his friends before his girlfriend, {and when I say girlfriend I mean myself, not that chic I have never met}, he is so prideful, sometimes he says hurtful things, sometimes I am not sure if it is the lack of boundaries or the desire to take care of others that gets the best of him but we can never seem to get any alone time, there is always someone or some people in our space, also he occasionally terms my being blunt as whining {I’m pretty sure those two don’t hold the same meaning🙄🙄🙄}.

Duran…you made me think that we had a chance at a good relationship, that we could actually do life together. But then again, I was also dumb for accepting to be his girl friend even after I knew there was a relationship that clearly didn’t end. Doesn’t stop me from feeling territorial though; however, since yours truly is letting me be, like he called it…I slowly grab the surgical blade from the small drawer right next to my bed and suddenly jump out of bed and start to slice him wherever I know it hurts…people are screaming and trying to separate us, I manage to get a clear shot at his neck and I push the blade right into the side of his neck…

…then I suddenly sat up on my bed breathing like an idiot that has just been chased by a German shepherd. That was the worst and longest dream I have had in a long time…


I was walking on the street humming a song I don’t seem to remember, then I feel myself flying and landing on the ground like a sac of potatoes and then people gathering around me trying to figure out who I am or whose I am…then I all went dark…

Next thing I know I am lying in my living room having a “I would like to know you more” conversation with some guy…I think let’s call him Duran. So there is this back and forth texting and too much information being shared between us; me being me, I mention that I have 2 lovely babies, {a day can’t go by without me talking about these ones} and he also mentions he has a little one. So I ask what happened to baby mama and he says, “well she travelled”…

Suddenly my phone lights up and I am receiving a video chat request which I decline because I have no power at my house but also because I really think we were moving way too fast. It is one of those moments when you meet someone and you seem to click quite well. So anyway, I later agree to the video call where I can hardly see the human being anyway🙄🙄, the call then ends and we say goodnight.

First thing in the morning, I wake up to a good morning text. The conversations continue until the next phone call asking for directions to my house. I finally get to set my eyes on virtual prince charming…yaaay. I must say I like what I see!! after such a long conversation, he grabs me, kisses me and says; will you be my girlfriend😍😍😍; my face lights up like I have been handed a bag with 20,000 dollars…lol.

And then it starts; the morning texts, the I love you babe, have you eaten? I miss you…and when we meet, be sure I am going to be lifted up and given a good kiss. I am a princess on wheels my friend! I have arrived…like we like to say lately. Like any girl in love. My brain has taken a vacation, I am in love with someone who makes me happy, doesn’t judge me, seems not to mind my sarcasm, we can throw disses at each other and it’s okay. what can I say; all is well with the world.😃😃

He randomly calls and we get out of town with a couple of friends{yaaay!!! adventure!} this is my kind of spontaneous; totally down my street. Loitering with him is so much fun and he really doesn’t give a damn who’s watching. Meanwhile did I mention he keeps introducing me as his girlfriend to his friends? You should see my face every time he does that.🥰😚🥰😚

{7 and a half months later}

It’s now been two days since I heard from Duran and I am devastated! I called and he didn’t answer. I have sent a text but he hasn’t responded; I have resigned to watching my series and eating food but of course at the back of my mind I am wondering what is going on!!
Then my phone rings and I know it’s him because I even assigned a different ringtone to his contact.

I jump at the sound of that particular ringtone and I answer the phone.

Boy: Hey, how are you?

Girl: I’m okay.

Boy: No you’re not. I have gone silent without reason.

Girl: Why is it so?

Boy: We need to talk in person. It is nothing you have done, trust me. Let’s meet tomorrow and talk.

Excited and anxious to know what this is about, I spend the whole day calling but no answer! 5 hours later I receive a text; “Hey, Duran hea, i’m okay”. This is a very confusing text considering we were supposed to meet today. I shrug my shoulders and roll with it.

Later, after I have even reached home, Duran calls and asks for a reschedule. I then insist on having whatever conversation that is on phone…now I can’t say this was a good idea or not.

Duran tells me that his girl friend will be returning soon and he needs to “ let me be as soon as possible”…..yoooooooo!!! first off….let me be???? Let me be??? the hell?? So I ask him if he is breaking up with me and he says “not exactly“…now, if you know me well, that’s the dumbest answer to give me!!!

So amazed and filled with unexplainable emotions, I say to him; “Alright. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” he says no. So I say to him; “have a nice life and good night”.

Then like a child being given CPR after drowning, I open my eyes and see people surrounding me. Lying on a bed; my friend then says; “welcome back hun, you have been in a comma for 8 months. Glad to have you back.”




There was such a wide smile on my face as I said my vows to you. In that moment I had no fears, I knew with you I was okay and just like that! we started our journey together. Despite all the drama that surrounded the wedding, we actually had the wedding we wanted…haha

The first year of our marriage was the best… Building inside jokes, choosing to just stay indoors and do nothing, me making a meal for you like we’re expecting guests, us having small unnecessary arguments about where the toilet paper should face or when you should do the dishes…

Then came the baby making… Hehe. “Wes, the test is positive” I said; as if I was expecting a different result after not being on contraception…lol. Then the chaos encircling the birth of our little boy. The experiment that was in raising him; trying to figure out whether he can sleep on his own, or slow down on the breast milk, or handle a piece of chicken by himself! I must say he turned out right and I am so proud of our work.

And we did sooo incredibly well with our baby girl; she will always be daddy’s little girl. You never ever wanted anything to happen to her; one time she fell off the bed while taking a nap and hell broke loose!! if I were your employee, that was the time to fire me.

7 years down the road and they are all grown up and having all these crazy conversations, asking us so many questions and telling us all sorts of uncoordinated but very funny stories. It is so sad that we unfortunately had irreconcilable differences and ended up apart; this is not something I wished for us. It crushed me to know that I failed at being the woman I promised to be to you…or you the man you promised to be to me. But who cares! differences happen but those two little bunnies kept us together.

Sometimes it was so devastating to have to keep telling them we are not in position to be together at the moment because we need to work through a few things but we love them to the moon and beyond. You were such a joy to them that I will tell you;

When I got that phone call that you were going to be admitted, I freaked out! I didn’t know it was that serious. I thought to my self (it’s just a bacterial infection like he said, we shall be out of hospital in no time)…..but as the doctors kept doing tests and I kept getting different clues, I formed my own fears in my heart and I was so terrified to even leave you by yourself.

Then the lab tests returned and it was confirmed that you had cancer; it is the one thing I feared and it happened. Fear and trembling came to me, I didn’t know how to act. I wanted to save you with everything in me; my heart sank because I felt like I had no control over anything at that point. I told myself there is not going to be a day that goes by without you knowing that there are people who love you and care about you.

I woke up on that Sunday morning and I knew the kids needed to see you and so I brought them through. Then a few hours earlier they took you in for the proceedure that changed everything. Seeing you fighting to breathe and say what you want crushed my heart. I wished I had a magic wand that would take all your pain away. You battled through the whole night until you gave in the next morning.

I feel like you just left and took a piece of me with you; I knew this moment would come but not that soon. I thought we still had some time; I thought God would give you to us to celebrate Christmas, new year’s, the kids’ birthdays, their graduations….gosh!!! so much to work through…you left a hole in my heart that I can’t even explain; how do people get used to this?

I am so proud of you though; you showed so much strength even in such excruciating pain. Thank you for the good years as my husband, for being my good friend, an incredible priest in our home and the perfect father my children could ever have. Thank you for sharing your name with me…be sure it shall live on. The kids and I miss you everyday but we know you’re in a better place. Till death us do part never made sense then, I get it now but it is so damn painful…till we meet again…

Rest well my Wes Moran St. Clair Gilbert Gary Byemera…


I have been off for a while…quite a bit has happened in my life…

Just the other day it was the 31st of December 2020…this day literally every year, I would be in church singing my lungs out and dancing like my life depends on it…then waiting to see fire works popping from almost all corners of the Watoto Church parking lot. But knowing that you’re not here makes it all so different, the fact that I can’t even share a joke, or meet you to hand me a flash with Hallmark movies 😀is just so depressing…

It is different for you to know that someone is away from you but is alive and well; and it is another to know you will never see or hear from them again. I thought losing my father was the epitome of pain…but losing the father of my children, a man I spent over 7 years with is a whole different ball game.

Every day I wake up hoping I might get a call from him asking to speak to the babies or just asking me to be safe, wear a mask and always sanitize🙄🙄. Even when we were separated, he never stopped asking me to take precaution about my health.

This period of grief has however taught me so many things…some about the people around us, others about us. I have learned that you can’t get used to death for starters and accepting that the person who once lived is no more is a hard truth to chew on. I miss my friend, even though we were apart, we were still friends😪😪😪.

I have also learned that it is during such times that you get to know who actually cares and loves you, who gives a rat’s ass about your existence; but also that not everyone will like you and that’s okay.

I would like to propose a toast to my FRIENDS…who have really been with me literally every step of the way. You guys love me well….really really well. You have also taught me that friendship is not an entitlement but an honor. So here’s to friends who stick!!! Let’s make more lemonade out of the lemons life has handed me🍹🍹🍹🍹…

#Day 12: #DearJohn: To The Man That Used Me…

Dear John…

Congratulations…you won. I am usually on guard and alert but this time round I lost. May be it was the comfort I had that you are family and would do no harm to me. I guess I trusted too soon.

Being around our family, making jokes, seemingly being trusted by our parents, never would it have occurred to me that you would snatch my innocence away from me. On that fateful afternoon; I was home alone, minding my own business and trying to pass time…

And then you came along, with a whole different agenda; threw me on the couch and had your way with me. In as much as I was in pain, I couldn’t define it as rape until I became a teenager and it all made sense….

But I just have one more thing to tell you…you may think you won, but you didn’t! You might have ruined my childhood but I won’t let you take my adulthood too. I got help, managed to talk about you and your evil deed. I was then released.

It is my prayer that your daughter(s) (if you have any), are guarded from people who behave like you did, that take advantage of situations and people. I also want you to know that I forgive you…

Yours Truly,


#Day 11: #DearJohn: To The Man That Held My Hand…

Dear John…

I was in my bed when my phone rang at around 01:00am; now if you’re African you know such calls never bear good news. And as life would have it, I was told that my sweet nephew who had been fighting for his life had given up and rested.

I jumped out of bed, shaking, my heart was pounding as if i had just been jogging, i felt a sudden weakness in my knees…and then it hit me! I won’t be able to hold him😭😭😢😢. This was my baby, I had even been given the beloved opportunity to name him; He was my Prince…

I gathered myself and headed to the hospital where he was; but one thing I remember is when I called you, you stopped everything you were doing and dashed to where I was. When I saw you, I knew in your arms I could be vulnerable, I knew I was safe, I knew that you felt my heartache.

Right to the last minute when his very beautiful but lifeless body was lowered into that grave, you held my hand. I will forever cherish that moment because I have never felt so much love, care and support like I experienced that day🤗🤗.

And all I can say is i’m glad you came, i’m glad you were there to hold my hand through it all…may his beautiful soul continue to rest in peace.

Yours truly,


#Day 10: #DearJohn: A Letter To The Last Man That Made Me Smile..

Dear John…

I am pretty sure this is going to shock you, the fact that I am writing to you. When I first met you, the circumstances were rather interesting. I was talking to you about grooming and how you need to make sure you look good and presentable. You must have been so perplexed since you hardly knew me.

It never occurred to me that we would be such good friends; the laughter, the jokes, the serious moments, the moments when you irritate me🙄🙄; it all makes me glad I met you.

You know what to say to cheer me up; at least most times. Hanging out with you is one of the coolest things I choose to do. You bring such light to my world mostly because you don’t make moments weird let alone complicate what we have by asking me out or declaring uncalled for feelings.

I remember being so stressed and depressed and you got me a chocolate and whisky…two things that brighten up my day. My face lit up like I had been informed that I had won the lottery.

You made me smile😃😃😃😃….so here’s to great friendship and very many more cool years together.

Yours truly,


#Day 9: #DearJohn: To My Father

Dear John…

Sometimes I wonder if life would have played out differently if the circumstances were different. I was told that you never wanted me to begin with, that crushed my heart.

But believe me when I tell you I never really knew you. It’s not that you were away, you was there but I never got to experience the father in you. It was just the norm that a family has a father, mother and children.

Now, can I say it was all bad? No! you had your moments. Your sense of humor was unmatched. I remember the times UEB…🤣🤣yes…UEB would take out the power and we’d all sit outside under the moonlight and just have many random conversations and you would make us laugh so hard we almost forgot the need for electricity…lol.

I remember being that one child that would bully you and get you to do anything I wanted without much guilt tripping…entitled last born..i know! 🤗🤗🤗

Seeing you breathe your last was the hardest thing for me to look at. For a second there I thought that I was in the movies; until the doctor said he has done his best. My heart sank because I knew I wasn’t going to have another moment with you; to listen to your jokes, bully you, be annoyed with you.

I am grateful for the times we spent together and I will forever treasure you. Thank you for being my daddy, I wouldn’t ask for another.

Good bye Paps…. I miss you.😭😭😭😭

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